Milestones

Along my sober journey I've had to clean up a lot of destruction.  As of late, my one last piece to freedom from my past has been to reinstate my driver's license.  Being without a valid driver's license for the past two years has proven to be quite challenging to say the least.  Now as I am about to put it all behind me, it slaps me in the face again. 

It all comes back to me.  The flashing red and blue lights, the handcuffs, the cold hard jail cell, the humiliation.  And not once, but three times.  I couldn't learn after the first time.  I had to do it again...and again...and again. 

Being in the throes of my alcoholism, I thought "oh well, I'm an alcoholic, we all get arrested sooner or later".  The insanity of this disease tells us it's okay.  My dad would bail me out, slap me on the hand, tell me how disappointed he is in me and that would be that.  My "friends" and I would laugh about it and celebrate my being "out".  I'd see my lawyer, go to court, and receive my punishment.  There is nothing worse than standing in front of a judge knowing you are guilty of the crime you are being tried for.  Especially when it is drunk driving.  At the time, I didn't want to grasp the severity of it but now, I see how sick and horrifying it really was.  How I put myself and others in danger.  How fortunate I am that I didn't kill anyone or myself out of the hundreds of times I drove under the influence of alcohol or drugs.  How grateful that I'm here to tell this story today.  How grateful for the fellowship of AA, my sponsor, and my Higher Power.

Now that I've been sober for awhile, I can look back on these dark times and learn from my mistakes, realize I have a disease but not without consequences.  But I will not forget the pain, the humility, and the hard work it took to get where I am today.  I cannot forget...keeping these memories fresh will help keep me sober. 

Indian Summer

I've been in a funk as of late.  As I mentioned in my last post, I tend to get a bit melancholy when the seaons change.  Well, this turned into a lot melancholy.  Finally feeling better, I had the need for sunshine on my face and being one with nature with a bit of exercise mixed in.  I picked the perfect spot.  It was a beautiful Indian summer day!  I decided to take advantage of it and went on a hike in the dunes near where I live.  Lake Michigan is one of my favorite places in the world and I am fortunate to have it in my own backyard so to speak.  I packed myself a lunch and a couple of bottles of water and off I went.  Oh and let's not forget the succulent honeycrisp apple! 

I had been eyeing this trail for awhile...and it was time to tackle it.  I reached my destination and started off hiking first in the sand which was quite a workout in itself.  I finally made it to what were a series of many steps built right up the side of a dune.  When I got to the top I had a breathtaking view of the lake and the surrounding area.  The perspective I had at that moment...the gratitude I had to be alive and able to enjoy this gift from God was overwhelming.  It was a glorious feeling.  I sat and soaked it in.  I took several pictures

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From there, I proceeded on down the trail.  It took me through the middle of the woods.  I welcomed the shade at that point.  I enjoyed the quiet stillness other than a squirrel here and there.

 I continued to travel  down the trail until again I came to an opening and the sunshine hit my face and the views were once again spectacular.  More pictures.  More inspiration.  More joy. 

From there it continued to be more of the same until I finally came to the end of the trail where it came out on the beach.  Once there, I laid out my towel and sat and enjoyed my lunch.

The Seasons Change (and so do I)

As the summer winds down and fall can be felt in the air, I myself am feeling a change.  It always starts now...my seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  No matter how much I tell myself, "you've got this, don't let it get you, this year will be different", I still find a bit of melancholy seeping in.  Though I absolutely love fall and everything about it, the changing of the leaves, the crisp chill in the air, the beautiful mums, the smell of fireplaces having their first fires of the season, I know what follows...WINTER.  Ughhhh.  Not a big fan.  The snow + endless days of no sun = major winter blues for this chick.  Living in the area that I live in though, who could blame me?  The winters here are M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  We start getting snow the end of November and don't see much sun or any green until at least April or May.  And the cold...I'm talking bitter cold and wind that howels and seems alive. 

With winter comes the bid 'D' for me...depression.  I've battled it since about age 26.  Probably the reason why I drank and used so much.  I fit into the category of "there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders."  It is worse in the winter months than the rest of the year.  Lack of sunshine and being stuck indoors contribute to my malady.

Attitude of Gratitude

Being in recovery, I've learned wholeheartedly how to not take things for granted.  We call this gratitude.  Simple really.  But to have real gratitude, I believe you have to fall hard just as I did to really feel it and appreciate it.  All the years I wasted on boozing and doping and all of the things I didn't see while I was "out there" have become so prominent and beautiful now that I can see clearly and actually feel.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not on a soapbox about how life is great all the time cause we all know it's not.  The good part about recovery is you get your feelings back.  The bad part about recovery is...you get your feelings back!

Mostly, my days are far better than they used to be.  Before I got sober, my life consisted of negativity, anger, and hate.  You name it, I was mad about it.  And I drank over it.  Or used over it.  Or both.  I was so unhappy all of the time.  The sad part is, I thought it was okay to live that way.  More reasons to drink and use.  The sadder thing is that I thought the only one I was hurting was myself.  Another fallacy in the world of addiction and alcoholism.

We learn in the program that life is worth living, there is good in our fellow man, and we ourselves deserve love.  This doesn't happen over night mind you but with time, dedication to change, and hard work, it becomes a reality.  Luckily for me I decided to stick with it, even when I thought I just couldn't do it.  I have a disease that likes to tell me I'm not sick.  I have to be on guard at all times.  And some days are harder than others but for the most part, I'm truly happy.

I have a whole new appreciation for life and what it has to offer. The simple things such as a beautiful morning, the smell of fresh air, the trees, flowers, a flowing creek bed, a good cup of coffee, the birds humming, the trains whistling, beach days, curling up with a good book, snuggling with my pets, or a nice summer night.  And then there are the necessities such as my job, my home, my car, my "things".  And of course the living breathing people in my world, my sister and brother-in-law, my dad, my sponsor, my friends...all of whom I would not have in my life if I was not clean and sober.

The promises are coming true for me today.  I am finding serenity and peace.  I am truly grateful for where I am today and what got me here.  An attitude of gratitude and serenity is where it's at for me.

Peace and love.

The Transformation Begins

After a year and a half of sobriety, and an extra fifty pounds, I have finally decided that it's time to ahem...get my you know what in gear and start shedding the weight.  How did this happen??  Well, quitting smoking + not doing the drugs + stopping the drinking and eating lots of sweets and candy to make up for the sugar in the alcohol = lots of weight gain.  Unfortunately, getting clean for me meant getting plain old fat.  It doesn't help that my job involves literally SITTING in front of computer for eight hours a day with only short breaks.  I knew eventually I would have to make major changes but I knew it had to be when I was completely ready.  Well, I was ready and off I went!!!  I knew this would not be an easy task, especially at 42.  Not as easy as it used to be in my "younger" years.  But I'm finally ready.  After my last bite of an awesome birthday cake for a lady who turned 50 at work, it hit me.  Ummm.....okay, I'm done.  That is it!!!!!  Of course, I finished the cake but hey...it was ultimately my last piece of cake for awhile. 

So, I figure I've worked on my emotional well being and now it's time for the physical.  As of now a month and a half into my new routine, I've lost sixteen pounds with another thirty-four to go, give or take.  How did I do it?  Well, I started out simply watching what I was eating.  I didn't want to say I was on a "diet" because for me, that is just too stressful.  So, I'm watching my food intake and of course, added exercise to my regimen.  Mind you, I haven't worked out in years so this was a bit challenging but I can now say, I love it.  I feel 100% better.  I forgot how good it felt to get that heart rate up and get those endorphins swimming.  What a natural "high".  Since I also suffer from depression, it is a win win situation for me.  I'm generally a loner and that goes for exercise too.  Not much of a fan of the "gym".  I work out at home in from of the TV with Jillian or Denise (I say that like they're my buddies) and have been doing a lot of walking.  On my recent trip home while staying with my sister who is a runner, she got me doing some interval running with my walking.  I didn't think I could do it.  But I did and boy did it feel good!  Having her as my drill sargeant...umm personal trainer, helped a lot.  Now that I'm back home, I know I have to do it on my own but I can hear her voice in my head as I go.  God love her!!!  Love you sissy!!  :-)  I also ate vegan the entire trip as her and my brother-in-law are vegan.  I'm now incorporating some veganism into my diet.  I'm determined to reach my goal.  I'm feeling better than ever and I think I'll stick with it!!!

Peace and love.

Stage Fright

At a recent open meeting, I was asked to read "How It Works."  Not a big deal really...I've done it bunches of times at other meetings.  I was happy to do it.  Until I found out I had to step up to the podium to do it.  Yikes.  I am not fond of speaking in front of people, much less from a podium in front of everyone.  I realize this is a fear I must conquer, after all, I will be giving a lead some day and how can I do that if I'm too scared??  Dilema, dilema.  So, I did my duty, quickly and with a shaky voice but I did it none the less.  This got me pondering.  I really have trouble getting my thoughts and feelings out at meetings as well.  I have it in me, I just don't have the umphf to express it.  As I sit here and write this blog entry, I have no trouble at all getting my thoughts out but if I were to have to read this aloud in front of a group of people, I'd be terrified.  What is at the root of this fear?  I needed to approach the problem in the right way.  So...I decided to research this.  The correct term is glossophobia.  Who knew...I have "glossophobia".  Not a good thing to have when it's your turn to share at an AA meeting.  Apparently, this is a very common phobia but one that I wish to abate.  Maybe this blog will be of some help.  Maybe I should quit trying to come up with something profound to say and just speak from my heart.  Hmmmm...sounds like a good plan.  Let's hope it works.

Peace and love.

Timeless Friendship

I consider myself quite blessed to experience timeless friendship.  On a recent trip back home to Missouri, I had the opportunity to spend time with two of my dearest and oldest friends.  These are friendships that have withstood divorce, illness, death, and...my alcoholism and addiction.  When I look back on how I took for granted what was most important in life and chose instead to seek out that next drunk or that next high, it is not a good feeling, however, it helps me now to see how fortunate I am to have such blessings.  Did I lose some friendships?  Yes.  Do I wallow in that?  No.  That is because I realize now what real friendship is and who my real friends are.  Having done my 4th and 5th steps, I do see what part I played in whatever situation, I owned it but I have let go of the bad.  I have embraced the good.  I have cleansed myself of my past behavior and now concentrate on how to be a better friend, sister, daughter, employee, sponsee and, above all, I have learned that holding on to the mistakes of my past keep me from living in today and hoping for tomorrow.  I cherish my old friendships, as well as my new friendships that I have made in my new life's journey.  I know that the only thing these friends "want" from me is my happiness and for me to stay clean and sober.  Not too much to ask.

Peace and Love.