The Seasons Change (and so do I)

As the summer winds down and fall can be felt in the air, I myself am feeling a change.  It always starts now...my seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  No matter how much I tell myself, "you've got this, don't let it get you, this year will be different", I still find a bit of melancholy seeping in.  Though I absolutely love fall and everything about it, the changing of the leaves, the crisp chill in the air, the beautiful mums, the smell of fireplaces having their first fires of the season, I know what follows...WINTER.  Ughhhh.  Not a big fan.  The snow + endless days of no sun = major winter blues for this chick.  Living in the area that I live in though, who could blame me?  The winters here are M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  We start getting snow the end of November and don't see much sun or any green until at least April or May.  And the cold...I'm talking bitter cold and wind that howels and seems alive. 

With winter comes the bid 'D' for me...depression.  I've battled it since about age 26.  Probably the reason why I drank and used so much.  I fit into the category of "there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders."  It is worse in the winter months than the rest of the year.  Lack of sunshine and being stuck indoors contribute to my malady.


I've read SAD is a specifier to major depression.  SAD is quite common though, mostly more in women than men, so I know I'm not alone.  Along with my antidepressants, my doctor told me to use light therapy.  I choose the tanning bed.  Any reason to keep my tan, I'll use it.  It does help though.  And now that I've incorporated exercising into my routine, I'm hoping to stave off such negativity.

There is nothing worse the being in the depths of a depressive episode.  The feelings of sadness, unending fatigue, uselessness, hopelessness, self-hate, and guilt.  I've ridden through those peaks and valleys for so long.  I always knew I had depression, my doctors tried to treat me for it, but I chose to self medicate therefore contradicting any help I was given.  I didn't realize how serious my depression was until I got sober.  Unfortunately for me, I have the dual diagnoses.  So now, I try to listen to my body, really listen and try to figure out what's going on.  My doctor seems to have found a good combination of medications that are keeping me stable but it's always there, especially now with the changing seasons.  And let's not forget...the hormones.  Fortunately for me though, with the appropriate medications, exercise, and attending meetings regularly, I stay relatively emotionally balanced. 

I vow this year stay positive and happy no matter what it takes.  No Debbie Downer here.  I will ride through the winter with my head held high, in my winter coat, my cowel, my winter boots, a big smile on my face...and a tan.