The Seasons Change (and so do I)

As the summer winds down and fall can be felt in the air, I myself am feeling a change.  It always starts now...my seasonal affective disorder (SAD).  No matter how much I tell myself, "you've got this, don't let it get you, this year will be different", I still find a bit of melancholy seeping in.  Though I absolutely love fall and everything about it, the changing of the leaves, the crisp chill in the air, the beautiful mums, the smell of fireplaces having their first fires of the season, I know what follows...WINTER.  Ughhhh.  Not a big fan.  The snow + endless days of no sun = major winter blues for this chick.  Living in the area that I live in though, who could blame me?  The winters here are M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E.  We start getting snow the end of November and don't see much sun or any green until at least April or May.  And the cold...I'm talking bitter cold and wind that howels and seems alive. 

With winter comes the bid 'D' for me...depression.  I've battled it since about age 26.  Probably the reason why I drank and used so much.  I fit into the category of "there are those too who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders."  It is worse in the winter months than the rest of the year.  Lack of sunshine and being stuck indoors contribute to my malady.

Attitude of Gratitude

Being in recovery, I've learned wholeheartedly how to not take things for granted.  We call this gratitude.  Simple really.  But to have real gratitude, I believe you have to fall hard just as I did to really feel it and appreciate it.  All the years I wasted on boozing and doping and all of the things I didn't see while I was "out there" have become so prominent and beautiful now that I can see clearly and actually feel.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not on a soapbox about how life is great all the time cause we all know it's not.  The good part about recovery is you get your feelings back.  The bad part about recovery is...you get your feelings back!

Mostly, my days are far better than they used to be.  Before I got sober, my life consisted of negativity, anger, and hate.  You name it, I was mad about it.  And I drank over it.  Or used over it.  Or both.  I was so unhappy all of the time.  The sad part is, I thought it was okay to live that way.  More reasons to drink and use.  The sadder thing is that I thought the only one I was hurting was myself.  Another fallacy in the world of addiction and alcoholism.

We learn in the program that life is worth living, there is good in our fellow man, and we ourselves deserve love.  This doesn't happen over night mind you but with time, dedication to change, and hard work, it becomes a reality.  Luckily for me I decided to stick with it, even when I thought I just couldn't do it.  I have a disease that likes to tell me I'm not sick.  I have to be on guard at all times.  And some days are harder than others but for the most part, I'm truly happy.

I have a whole new appreciation for life and what it has to offer. The simple things such as a beautiful morning, the smell of fresh air, the trees, flowers, a flowing creek bed, a good cup of coffee, the birds humming, the trains whistling, beach days, curling up with a good book, snuggling with my pets, or a nice summer night.  And then there are the necessities such as my job, my home, my car, my "things".  And of course the living breathing people in my world, my sister and brother-in-law, my dad, my sponsor, my friends...all of whom I would not have in my life if I was not clean and sober.

The promises are coming true for me today.  I am finding serenity and peace.  I am truly grateful for where I am today and what got me here.  An attitude of gratitude and serenity is where it's at for me.

Peace and love.

The Transformation Begins

After a year and a half of sobriety, and an extra fifty pounds, I have finally decided that it's time to ahem...get my you know what in gear and start shedding the weight.  How did this happen??  Well, quitting smoking + not doing the drugs + stopping the drinking and eating lots of sweets and candy to make up for the sugar in the alcohol = lots of weight gain.  Unfortunately, getting clean for me meant getting plain old fat.  It doesn't help that my job involves literally SITTING in front of computer for eight hours a day with only short breaks.  I knew eventually I would have to make major changes but I knew it had to be when I was completely ready.  Well, I was ready and off I went!!!  I knew this would not be an easy task, especially at 42.  Not as easy as it used to be in my "younger" years.  But I'm finally ready.  After my last bite of an awesome birthday cake for a lady who turned 50 at work, it hit me.  Ummm.....okay, I'm done.  That is it!!!!!  Of course, I finished the cake but hey...it was ultimately my last piece of cake for awhile. 

So, I figure I've worked on my emotional well being and now it's time for the physical.  As of now a month and a half into my new routine, I've lost sixteen pounds with another thirty-four to go, give or take.  How did I do it?  Well, I started out simply watching what I was eating.  I didn't want to say I was on a "diet" because for me, that is just too stressful.  So, I'm watching my food intake and of course, added exercise to my regimen.  Mind you, I haven't worked out in years so this was a bit challenging but I can now say, I love it.  I feel 100% better.  I forgot how good it felt to get that heart rate up and get those endorphins swimming.  What a natural "high".  Since I also suffer from depression, it is a win win situation for me.  I'm generally a loner and that goes for exercise too.  Not much of a fan of the "gym".  I work out at home in from of the TV with Jillian or Denise (I say that like they're my buddies) and have been doing a lot of walking.  On my recent trip home while staying with my sister who is a runner, she got me doing some interval running with my walking.  I didn't think I could do it.  But I did and boy did it feel good!  Having her as my drill sargeant...umm personal trainer, helped a lot.  Now that I'm back home, I know I have to do it on my own but I can hear her voice in my head as I go.  God love her!!!  Love you sissy!!  :-)  I also ate vegan the entire trip as her and my brother-in-law are vegan.  I'm now incorporating some veganism into my diet.  I'm determined to reach my goal.  I'm feeling better than ever and I think I'll stick with it!!!

Peace and love.

Stage Fright

At a recent open meeting, I was asked to read "How It Works."  Not a big deal really...I've done it bunches of times at other meetings.  I was happy to do it.  Until I found out I had to step up to the podium to do it.  Yikes.  I am not fond of speaking in front of people, much less from a podium in front of everyone.  I realize this is a fear I must conquer, after all, I will be giving a lead some day and how can I do that if I'm too scared??  Dilema, dilema.  So, I did my duty, quickly and with a shaky voice but I did it none the less.  This got me pondering.  I really have trouble getting my thoughts and feelings out at meetings as well.  I have it in me, I just don't have the umphf to express it.  As I sit here and write this blog entry, I have no trouble at all getting my thoughts out but if I were to have to read this aloud in front of a group of people, I'd be terrified.  What is at the root of this fear?  I needed to approach the problem in the right way.  So...I decided to research this.  The correct term is glossophobia.  Who knew...I have "glossophobia".  Not a good thing to have when it's your turn to share at an AA meeting.  Apparently, this is a very common phobia but one that I wish to abate.  Maybe this blog will be of some help.  Maybe I should quit trying to come up with something profound to say and just speak from my heart.  Hmmmm...sounds like a good plan.  Let's hope it works.

Peace and love.

Timeless Friendship

I consider myself quite blessed to experience timeless friendship.  On a recent trip back home to Missouri, I had the opportunity to spend time with two of my dearest and oldest friends.  These are friendships that have withstood divorce, illness, death, and...my alcoholism and addiction.  When I look back on how I took for granted what was most important in life and chose instead to seek out that next drunk or that next high, it is not a good feeling, however, it helps me now to see how fortunate I am to have such blessings.  Did I lose some friendships?  Yes.  Do I wallow in that?  No.  That is because I realize now what real friendship is and who my real friends are.  Having done my 4th and 5th steps, I do see what part I played in whatever situation, I owned it but I have let go of the bad.  I have embraced the good.  I have cleansed myself of my past behavior and now concentrate on how to be a better friend, sister, daughter, employee, sponsee and, above all, I have learned that holding on to the mistakes of my past keep me from living in today and hoping for tomorrow.  I cherish my old friendships, as well as my new friendships that I have made in my new life's journey.  I know that the only thing these friends "want" from me is my happiness and for me to stay clean and sober.  Not too much to ask.

Peace and Love.

Welcome to Julie's Steps

A year and a half ago, my life changed.  I had a spiritual awakening and realized the time had come to make big changes...which included everything.  As the title states, my story is about recovery and redemption.  My name is Julie, I am an alcoholic and addict.  I took my last drink and used my last drug on March 3, 2010.
 
My sister suggested it--this blog.  Actually, I'm quite pleased she forced me...ahem, talked me into it.  She's a blogger too.  And my biggest supporter on this new journey.  And the most important person I had to redeem myself to.  And my family.  That's us in the picture above.